The top 10 Gun-Owning Turkeys
Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 4:41 pm
The top 10 Gun-Owning Turkeys
Guns & Ammo - June 1993
Edward Salyers
Top-ten lists are big these days. Open a magazine, Sunday supplement or any of the various tabloids and you might find a list telling you what's hot or what's not. Talk-show host David Letterman, on his Late Night show, recites top-ten lists that cover, well, lots of stuff. Recently, while - in ill humour - I was reflecting on some gun-owning "turkeys" I've met during six-ish years of pro-gun activist work, my very own top-ten list began to take shape.
It was surprisingly easy to develop the list. Over these years I have met - and tried to enlist help from - gun owners who looked me in the eye and lied through their teeth, who would rather risk their gun rights that write four lines to a legislator, whose asinine attitudes further confuse the public or create an unsavoury image of firearms owners. Worse, some brainlessly provide a "shocked" TV reporter with another chance to crow, "Even gun owners agree that more gun laws are needed!"
Now I've met these bozos as individuals, but since they are so heavily cloned among us, for the list I opted to sort them into turkey types. Ergo, being all flocked up (as indeed they are) they shall here receive recognition as I shamelessly offer my top gun-owning turkey types (along with conducive comments) to the world of top-ten lists, starting with...
TYPE #10 - THE JUST PLAIN STUPID
You don't know anything concerning the fight to preserve our gun rights and you studiously avoid trying to learn about it. A blank or suspicious stare greets any attempt to inform you. It's all just too much to grasp even if you did believe it - which you don't. My now sainted father would have dismissed you as being a "chucklehead". You have numerous bullet-wound scars on both feet.
TYPE #9 - THE DEFEATIST
You are convinced that nothing can be done - about anything. You have spent your entire life backing away from all confrontations. You tell those who fight against the gun grabbers that they are wasting their time. You are ready to give up your rights upon demand, to meekly accept whatever bone the politicians throw to you. In fact, down deep, you have come to feel slightly ashamed that you own a gun. The only decision you ever made was to make no decisions - and you worried about it for weeks afterward. You have deluded yourself into thinking that you have a life.
TYPE #8 - THE SCOFFER
You aren't as numerous as you once were. During gun control discussions you listen with a cynical smirk on your face. You are confident that in the end "the government" will protect our gun rights. You dismiss pro-gun activists as "radicals". You stump off and, with a deprecatory wave of your hand, tell anyone within hearing that "They can't do that. It's unconstitutional!" You keep walking into things and you have trouble locating your hip pockets even when using both hands.
TYPE #7 - THE BULL SLINGER
You swagger, strut, pose, talk loudly and often interrupt others. You say things like, "I don't care about what laws they pass down there, they ain't getting my guns!" Or, "Hell, how they gonna take peeple's guns offa-em?" You are seldom registered to vote even though you complain about politicians. You don't listen well. Conversation often stops when you approach and those nearby suddenly recall important errands needing immediate attention. When asked to write your representative, join the NRA or a local pro-gun group, you allow as to how.. shoot! boy, you've "already done all that." You like to crowd up close to shorter persons and stare down at them. You've been known to miss a target completely.
TYPE #6 - THE TOO BUSY
You can never find time to do the slightest thing for the pro-gun cause. Your skill at making excuses is honed to a fine art. You vow with the most sincere expression and a sad shake of the head that you want to help but just can't find the time. You are "all tied up" day and night. Any fool can see that your entire life is ruled by circumstances beyond your control and, anyway, your small contribution won't really be missed. When asked for any kind of help you look uncomfortable while nodding agreeably and edging away. You have, however, been observed taking part - by accident, no doubt - in leisure activities of your liking. You had a famous Ananias who ran into some trouble.
TYPE #5 - THE SLACKER
Even when given a pre-written letter to a legislator and all you have to do is sign it, stamp it and drop it in the mail - you forget. You can't remember group meetings, and when you do agree to help something terribly important always comes up to prevent it. Being the mirror image of too busy, you never commit to anything without first "checking your schedule." You are often affable and well liked and people tend to overlook your faults. That's a mistake.
TYPE #4 - THE SELFISH
You are overwhelmingly numerous in our ranks. If you don't personally own or use a particular kind of gun, you don't give a damn about anyone else's right to own it. You are too self-interested (or pig-headed) to understand that if you don't help protect the rights of others to have the firearms they choose, your also will eventually be taken. You are positively poison to our pro-gun position and a source of great joy to the gun ban crowd. Sarah Brady has your picture prominently placed in her album of gun-owning patsies.
TYPE #3 - THE REGULATOR
You represent a paradox. You advocate gun rights but you want strings attached. You want mandatory "tests" and "training" and "practice" sessions. Your focus is more on the "well-regulated" than on the "right to keep and bear" clause of the Second Amendment. The latter, of course, says nothing about when, where, how, why or what kind of arms people may keep and bear - only that the right shall not be infringed. You are sometimes a police administrator or a "writer with a police background" or even an NRA member. The media are always quick to pounce upon - and distort - your "expert" views. You need to practice thinking before you talk, even if it hurts.
TYPE #2 - THE SELF-RIGHTEOUS EXPERT
You seldom act for the pro-gun cause because, as you grumpily proclaim, "Some of those people' shouldn't have guns." Or, "Some people' shouldn't be allowed in the woods with a gun." Only those who fit your particular pattern of perfection are worthy to have guns or hunt. However, when asked who "those people" are, or who will decide who they are, your reply becomes vague. You, of course, could never be one of "those people" who might be denied. You hate to think that liberty has built-in dangers and imperfections that must be accepted if it is to be had. You have a medicine chest full of constipation remedies. None of them has ever helped you.
And now, the turkey type that heads the list, friends, the very top turkey type of all! It is...
TYPE #1 - THE COOPERATOR
You are really bad news to the pro-gun side. You have never seen an anti-gun law in which you couldn't find "some good." You are the darling of the mass media. When a TV camera or reporter appears, your brain goes into neutral and your mouth into overdrive. You tell reporters things like, "Yes, I can support banning semi-autos since I wouldn't use one for hunting." Or, "No, I don't think a purchase waiting period would do any harm." Or, "I don't see why anyone needs more than five rounds." You are sometimes a so-called "gun" or "outdoor" writer, or a gun shop owner or even, God forbid! A gun manufacturer. If you are involved with officialdom at some level, reporters love to describe you as am avid shooter or avid hunter even though you may not have fired a gun or been in the field for years. Winning complete victory in a fight makes you feel uneasy. You guiltily suffer from the need to appease those who wish your destruction and you are hell-bent to avoid appearing "unreasonable." You have never learned - perhaps can't learn - that past compromises have produced present problems. You have a standing invitation to be "entertained" by Senator Howard Metzenbaum at Teddy Kennedy's Florida swamp.
Well that's it. That's this year's top ten list of gun-owning turkeys. Recognise anyone? If you associate at all with shooters or hunters you surely have met one or more of these birds. What can be done about them? Very little except to keep on working hard to cancel the harm they do.
Oh, yeah, there is one thing: Make damned sure that you stay off the list.
Guns & Ammo - June 1993
Edward Salyers
Top-ten lists are big these days. Open a magazine, Sunday supplement or any of the various tabloids and you might find a list telling you what's hot or what's not. Talk-show host David Letterman, on his Late Night show, recites top-ten lists that cover, well, lots of stuff. Recently, while - in ill humour - I was reflecting on some gun-owning "turkeys" I've met during six-ish years of pro-gun activist work, my very own top-ten list began to take shape.
It was surprisingly easy to develop the list. Over these years I have met - and tried to enlist help from - gun owners who looked me in the eye and lied through their teeth, who would rather risk their gun rights that write four lines to a legislator, whose asinine attitudes further confuse the public or create an unsavoury image of firearms owners. Worse, some brainlessly provide a "shocked" TV reporter with another chance to crow, "Even gun owners agree that more gun laws are needed!"
Now I've met these bozos as individuals, but since they are so heavily cloned among us, for the list I opted to sort them into turkey types. Ergo, being all flocked up (as indeed they are) they shall here receive recognition as I shamelessly offer my top gun-owning turkey types (along with conducive comments) to the world of top-ten lists, starting with...
TYPE #10 - THE JUST PLAIN STUPID
You don't know anything concerning the fight to preserve our gun rights and you studiously avoid trying to learn about it. A blank or suspicious stare greets any attempt to inform you. It's all just too much to grasp even if you did believe it - which you don't. My now sainted father would have dismissed you as being a "chucklehead". You have numerous bullet-wound scars on both feet.
TYPE #9 - THE DEFEATIST
You are convinced that nothing can be done - about anything. You have spent your entire life backing away from all confrontations. You tell those who fight against the gun grabbers that they are wasting their time. You are ready to give up your rights upon demand, to meekly accept whatever bone the politicians throw to you. In fact, down deep, you have come to feel slightly ashamed that you own a gun. The only decision you ever made was to make no decisions - and you worried about it for weeks afterward. You have deluded yourself into thinking that you have a life.
TYPE #8 - THE SCOFFER
You aren't as numerous as you once were. During gun control discussions you listen with a cynical smirk on your face. You are confident that in the end "the government" will protect our gun rights. You dismiss pro-gun activists as "radicals". You stump off and, with a deprecatory wave of your hand, tell anyone within hearing that "They can't do that. It's unconstitutional!" You keep walking into things and you have trouble locating your hip pockets even when using both hands.
TYPE #7 - THE BULL SLINGER
You swagger, strut, pose, talk loudly and often interrupt others. You say things like, "I don't care about what laws they pass down there, they ain't getting my guns!" Or, "Hell, how they gonna take peeple's guns offa-em?" You are seldom registered to vote even though you complain about politicians. You don't listen well. Conversation often stops when you approach and those nearby suddenly recall important errands needing immediate attention. When asked to write your representative, join the NRA or a local pro-gun group, you allow as to how.. shoot! boy, you've "already done all that." You like to crowd up close to shorter persons and stare down at them. You've been known to miss a target completely.
TYPE #6 - THE TOO BUSY
You can never find time to do the slightest thing for the pro-gun cause. Your skill at making excuses is honed to a fine art. You vow with the most sincere expression and a sad shake of the head that you want to help but just can't find the time. You are "all tied up" day and night. Any fool can see that your entire life is ruled by circumstances beyond your control and, anyway, your small contribution won't really be missed. When asked for any kind of help you look uncomfortable while nodding agreeably and edging away. You have, however, been observed taking part - by accident, no doubt - in leisure activities of your liking. You had a famous Ananias who ran into some trouble.
TYPE #5 - THE SLACKER
Even when given a pre-written letter to a legislator and all you have to do is sign it, stamp it and drop it in the mail - you forget. You can't remember group meetings, and when you do agree to help something terribly important always comes up to prevent it. Being the mirror image of too busy, you never commit to anything without first "checking your schedule." You are often affable and well liked and people tend to overlook your faults. That's a mistake.
TYPE #4 - THE SELFISH
You are overwhelmingly numerous in our ranks. If you don't personally own or use a particular kind of gun, you don't give a damn about anyone else's right to own it. You are too self-interested (or pig-headed) to understand that if you don't help protect the rights of others to have the firearms they choose, your also will eventually be taken. You are positively poison to our pro-gun position and a source of great joy to the gun ban crowd. Sarah Brady has your picture prominently placed in her album of gun-owning patsies.
TYPE #3 - THE REGULATOR
You represent a paradox. You advocate gun rights but you want strings attached. You want mandatory "tests" and "training" and "practice" sessions. Your focus is more on the "well-regulated" than on the "right to keep and bear" clause of the Second Amendment. The latter, of course, says nothing about when, where, how, why or what kind of arms people may keep and bear - only that the right shall not be infringed. You are sometimes a police administrator or a "writer with a police background" or even an NRA member. The media are always quick to pounce upon - and distort - your "expert" views. You need to practice thinking before you talk, even if it hurts.
TYPE #2 - THE SELF-RIGHTEOUS EXPERT
You seldom act for the pro-gun cause because, as you grumpily proclaim, "Some of those people' shouldn't have guns." Or, "Some people' shouldn't be allowed in the woods with a gun." Only those who fit your particular pattern of perfection are worthy to have guns or hunt. However, when asked who "those people" are, or who will decide who they are, your reply becomes vague. You, of course, could never be one of "those people" who might be denied. You hate to think that liberty has built-in dangers and imperfections that must be accepted if it is to be had. You have a medicine chest full of constipation remedies. None of them has ever helped you.
And now, the turkey type that heads the list, friends, the very top turkey type of all! It is...
TYPE #1 - THE COOPERATOR
You are really bad news to the pro-gun side. You have never seen an anti-gun law in which you couldn't find "some good." You are the darling of the mass media. When a TV camera or reporter appears, your brain goes into neutral and your mouth into overdrive. You tell reporters things like, "Yes, I can support banning semi-autos since I wouldn't use one for hunting." Or, "No, I don't think a purchase waiting period would do any harm." Or, "I don't see why anyone needs more than five rounds." You are sometimes a so-called "gun" or "outdoor" writer, or a gun shop owner or even, God forbid! A gun manufacturer. If you are involved with officialdom at some level, reporters love to describe you as am avid shooter or avid hunter even though you may not have fired a gun or been in the field for years. Winning complete victory in a fight makes you feel uneasy. You guiltily suffer from the need to appease those who wish your destruction and you are hell-bent to avoid appearing "unreasonable." You have never learned - perhaps can't learn - that past compromises have produced present problems. You have a standing invitation to be "entertained" by Senator Howard Metzenbaum at Teddy Kennedy's Florida swamp.
Well that's it. That's this year's top ten list of gun-owning turkeys. Recognise anyone? If you associate at all with shooters or hunters you surely have met one or more of these birds. What can be done about them? Very little except to keep on working hard to cancel the harm they do.
Oh, yeah, there is one thing: Make damned sure that you stay off the list.
.